MORMON DOCTRINE: Families are forever. But not just automatically. They’re only forever if you get sealed in a Mormon temple. And you can’t go inside a Mormon temple unless you pay Mormon tithing.
RESULT: If you want to be with your family in the afterlife, you’d better pay up now.
DICTIONARY: There’s a word for that, and that word is “extortion.” Look it up, kids.
COMMENTARY: Mormons love to brag about how their doctrine ensures that families can be together forever. But what they don’t realize is that most religions already believe that by default. Among religions that believe in the afterlife, Mormonism is the only religion I’m aware of where being with your loved ones in the afterlife is ever in question. Didn’t obey the Mormon prophets during your life? Sorry, no eternal family for you! Couldn’t give up coffee? Enjoyed too many R-rated shows? Showed your shoulders too often? Didn’t give the church its due share of your annual salary? Attracted to the “wrong” gender? Sorry, you lose. Your eternal family gets taken away from you. Game over. Shoulda thought of that before you decided not to do anything and everything the LDS church told you to do. But what do I know? I’m just another apostate.