Needs more asterisks

SCRIPTURE: “Now this is the commandment: Repent, all ye ends of the earth*, and come unto me and be baptized** in my name, that ye may be sanctified by the reception of the Holy Ghost, that ye may stand spotless before me at the last day. Verily, verily, I say unto you, this is my gospel***; and ye know the things that ye must do in my church; for the works which ye have seen me do that shall ye also do****; for that which ye have seen me do even that shall ye do;” -3 Nephi 27:20-21. [source]
* Unless you’re gay married; then you’re an apostate.
** Unless your parents are gay, then only apply for baptism if you are over 18 and have disavowed their “lifestyle.”
*** Well, unless I think of more ways to exclude gays, then that’s my gospel, too.
**** Except for the parts where I said not to forbid little children from coming to me; of course I didn’t mean little children of gay parents.

COMMENTARY: When your church enacts policies that are contrary to Christ’s teachings, it’s time to start wondering if it’s really Christ’s church after all. But what do I know? I’m just another apostate.

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